In his book “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” Joshua Harris makes some valid points and opens a dialogue about Christian dating in the complicated 21st Century. Harris speaks with authority within the scope of serial daters, but not everyone is a serial dater. What is the impact of applying his advice globally, formulaically to all Christian romances? This paper will dive a little deeper into the topic of dating and friendship among Christian singles.
Risk
Say for example a man doesn’t want to ask a woman out because he doesn’t want to risk rejection. This was my condition for several years. Christianity is not about avoiding risks. Quite the opposite.
If you are avoiding risk, the “No Dating” model for romance could be just the excuse you’ve been looking for.
Godly Variety
There is a great deal of variety in romance, and many Godly examples of it go ignored by the church. Consider Rahab. God decreed that everyone in Jericho should be killed. Last time the Israelites spied out the Promised Land disaster followed, yet they do it again. Some young man, born in the wilderness, marries the sole survivor of Jericho. There was every reason for them not to meet up but it happened.
Look at Ruth. She went to Boaz in the fields and risked her reputation in order to spur him to action. This isn’t exactly exchanging glances across the isle but both of these women are mentioned in the New Testament when recounting the ancestors of Christ. Neither of these women is even Jewish.
Sexual Tension
Another reason Christians might embrace the “No Dating” model of Romance is the world’s fixation with sex. One reason dating seems so high-pressure is because of sex. If he is looking for sex to make him feel manly and she is willing to give sex to feel loved than anything short of sex makes him feel invalid and her rejected. None of it sits well with Christians but is the problem the date or the immaturity of the people dating?
Your Mission: should you choose to accept it
What’s a Christian to do with all the pent-up sexual frustration he doesn’t officially have. Most would answer, “get married.” These days it seems like every Christian is on a mission to be married. The young adult Sunday-school class is out and the Singles Ministry is in.
At the risk of bursting anyone’s false hopes, getting married won’t fix anyone’s unhealthy sexual desires. And no matter how loving and beautiful a wife is she can’t validate you as a man. We have created an underclass of Christian—the single. We don’t hire unmarried pastors. Many churches won’t even promote a bachelor or bachelorette to deacon.
Other Reasons to Date
If God is going to lead my eventual mate into my life without any effort on my part why would I date a bunch of people just because I find them attractive?
There are many male/female skills that we don’t learn in the context of our family. Cross gender communication for one. Communicating with your eventual wife is not the same as communicating with mom. You pick up some of those skills by dating—even dating a person you don’t end up married to.
Some of our desires for a mate are immature and counterfeit. We already mentioned asking a woman to validate you as a man, and using a woman satisfy your lusts. There could be many more invalid reasons. Dating the not-Mrs.-Rights can expose counterfeit desires.
Other reasons we want a mate are mythic desires. Man and woman together as one form the image of God. Women desire men’s strength and men desire women’s beauty. It’s natural and Godly for us to seek companionship on a very intimate level. Dating the not-Mrs.-Rights can deepen and clarify our mythic desires.
The Messy Model of Dating
Even when dating ends badly we can grow from the experience. Yes we are putting our hearts at risk when the bible clearly cautions us to guard our hearts as the treasure of the Kingdom. Still when men pose and women wall off their hearts it stifles all Spiritual growth. We tend to live from our heads, become control freaks, or ruled by runaway emotions.
If you go on a date and it exposes your struggle with sexual impurity that isn’t a reason to stop dating. It’s a reason to go deep with God and invite Him into your struggle. If romance doesn’t form and you feel like you’ve failed you need to take that to God as well. There is going to be many Mrs.-not-rights compared to the one Mrs. Right. The chances are that any particular date won’t end in romance. That should be ok. If it’s devastating you need to go there with God. All relationships are messy.
The Toughest Lesson
Sometimes the only lesson we can learn is that it’s not the end of the world. Two men may find themselves in Jobs position, having lost everything and then getting it all back. One of those men will swear that he’ll never let that happen again. Of course the reality is that it’s beyond his control but that doesn’t stop him from trying to control everything around him. The other man will take even more risks because he has learned that no matter how bad it gets he’ll survive. He was more afraid of the unknown than of the reality. He has a new understanding of God’s willingness to provide for him, and he looses his fear.
Demonic Agreements?
So how is any of this evil? I feel like the world has made an agreement that men and women can not be friends. No ones talking about every instance. The world acknowledges barriers of age and such that prevent romance and foster friendship. But among single peers the belief is that a sexual attraction phase must be worked through before friendship can begin. Even then it will probably end ugly and leave no room for friendship.
The Church is embracing this agreement due in part to the “No Dating” model. The Church is coming in line with the belief that men and women should only be around each other for the purpose of finding a spouse, period. The church is setting rules where adult men and women can’t be alone together, they must only interact in a group. In other words don’t set your own boundaries stay with-in our rigid rule structure.
How did we get from Dating to Friendship?
These topics are completely intertwined. Imagine a funnel. All the members of the opposite sex are on the other side of the funnel. In the “No Dating” model you will only interact with people who are a potential mate. Once someone enters the funnel through the small end of potential spouses if it doesn’t lead to romance it may or may not lead to friendship. This person’s entire peer group is comprised of failed romances.
If the funnel goes the other way, like in the “Messy Model,” then everyone you meet is a potential friend. Some you will get close to and some you may get very close to. One will become a spouse, God willing.
In the Messy Model you set your own boundaries, and communicate them. You may decide not to date for a period of time, or at all. You may decide to date anyone who asks as long as you’ve known them in a group for a while. If the date doesn’t go well neither of you should feel devastated, or awkward.
In Summery
Men and women have a lot to learn from each other, about the opposite sex and about themselves. Life is full of awkward, risky, terrifying events and our all-powerful God is large and in charge of all of them. We need to be sensitive to Spiritual seasons and walk with God before making any decisions. It’s not that we can’t make bad decisions that will cause unneeded pain, it’s that we have to be careful when we look to rigid rules and absolutes instead of letting God be God. We need to take our relationships out of the box let God work on us in every method He chooses to use.
A Last Word
I hesitate to come back to this point but I feel it’s important. When it comes to the lie that Christians should make it a goal to be married there is evidence to support it, but not all the evidence.
Some would say that the bible’s clear disapproval of divorce endorses marriage. Others would point to Genisis 2, “and God made man in His image, male and female he made them.” That does seem to indicate that man and woman together are the image of God. Paul’s statement, “its better to marry than to burn” could be read either way.
For evidence that it’s ok to stay single I could point to the fact that Jesus stayed single. Then again we are all his bride. The question is, what did he tell his followers?
Matt. 19:10-11
10The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry." 11Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. 12For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it."
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